From One Cat To Another:
The Things I Know About Christmas

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  1. Although my human appreciates my thoughtfulness in helping her wrap and tag Christmas gifts, she would rather do it herself -- especially since my idea of helping is to sit on the wrapping paper, bat the ribbons around and rub the pen with my nose!
  2. Christmas lights and the cords they are attached to are not for chewing. Christmas trees are not for climbing. (My cat knocked over my tree and scattered EVERY ornament around the room. I think I'm still missing some!)
  3. I am not a Christmas tree ornament. Just because I wasn't allowed to "help" decorate it doesn't mean I should climb up and perch on a branch.
  4. I am not helping my human hang the Christmas lights when I pull on the end that's still on the floor. It especially doesn't help when I decide to chew on the bulbs.
  5. I must keep in mind that even though Christmas trees smell wonderful and have lots of lovely bark, they are not appropriate for climbing as they are not attached in any significant manner to the floor. Climbing Christmas trees will lead to the inevitable tree toppling. Said toppling may result in: 1. Spillage of tree water (corollary: tree water tastes yucky); 2. Breakage of heirloom ornaments; 3. Toppling of television sets; 4. Crashing of said tree through a nearby window (happily, not injuring the kitty who is reporting this lesson)
  6. I must not chew on electrical cords, especially when the appliances to which they are attached are turned on; my human says I will kill us both.
  7. I will no longer try to decorate the Christmas presents with my teeth. They look fine the way they are. (All three cats like to chew them, for whatever reason.)
  8. I will not attack the ornaments on the "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree, even if they do look like birds and have feathers.
  9. I will not bite the head off a Santa Claus figurine and proceed to dump it in front of a small child. This makes them cry.
  10. I will not carefully select all shiny gold ornaments from the Christmas tree and remove them, nor will I place shiny gold ornaments into litter boxes. I must learn that litter boxes are for an entirely different kind of present.
  11. I will not climb six feet up in the fake Christmas tree, causing all the branches to bend down, just to get a better view of the living room.
  12. I will not drink the water of the real Christmas tree.
  13. I will not eat all of the tinsel off the Christmas tree; it makes me throw up.
  14. I will not eat the Christmas tree lights, whether or not they are plugged in.
  15. I will not eat the Christmas tree, vomit the needles all over the rug and make my my human spend $50 to "detox" me.
  16. I will not eat tinsel from the Christmas tree--it will make my poop come out like beads on a string.
  17. I will not get into my human's bag full of Christmas wrapping paper and ribbons and shred it until it makes a comfy bed.
  18. I will not make the Christmas tree my home.
  19. I will not open all the presents before Christmas.
  20. I will not personalize all of my human's Christmas presents to her friends by shredding the carefully prepared ribbons. If I must, I will not then refrain from refusing to use my litter box after the first time I potty because it is unusually colorful in there.
  21. I will not play hide-and-go-seek with pieces of my human's jigsaw puzzle or the pieces of the artificial Christmas tree.
  22. I will not play with the ribbons when my human is wrapping (Christmas) gifts. And I will not try to kill the curlicues of ribbon on the finished packages.
  23. I will not poke a hole in the can of Christmas snow with my claws and watch it blow snow around the living room.
  24. I will not sit on top of a Christmas present that my human is trying to wrap. Nor will I quietly rip open the Christmas presents he wrapped 10 minutes ago.
  25. I will not spray the computer printers, photocopier, kitchen garbage can, or Christmas presents.
  26. I will not tell my human to bleepity bleep bleep, walking away flicking my tail when he says "no" because I think it is OK to kill Christmas ornaments.
  27. I will not try to kill the little baby Jesus in my human's nativity scene. Some religious groups are greatly offended.
  28. I will not turn in to the attack cat and bat balls off the Christmas tree.
  29. I will not vanish off the face of the earth every time my human's sister's children visit.
  30. I will not wrap the Christmas tree lights around me when the human is trying to extract me from the tree.
  31. I will only open my Christmas presents, and I'll wait for Christmas to do so.
  32. If guests arrive for Christmas it is not essential to disappear for the next week.
  33. Lying under the Christmas tree is cute, but knocking the stuff already under there out of the way isn't.
  34. My human can wrap Christmas presents without my help. If I decide to sleep on the paper she intends to use, I shouldn't be angry if she moves me so that she doesn't accidentally cut my tail off and wrap it up too. My human will clean up the dishes after cooking -- she doesn't need my help.
  35. My sister and I promise not to knock the plug into the kitchen sink and turn the water on full blast while our human is at work 30 miles away. He worries when getting calls from the landlord informing him the two condos below his are flooding and would ordinarily prefer not to buy so many replacement hardwood floors for the neighbors.
  36. Sitting and picking the green stuff off the Christmas tree does not help the humans put it up.
  37. The Christmas tree is NOT a jungle gym.
  38. The Christmas tree is not out to get me. (She runs away when she notices it in the corner of the room.)
  39. The Christmas tree is not there for me to climb. My humans know I do not like the new puppy but that is no reason for me to sit halfway up the tree and hiss at them as they walk by.

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